31 days and counting.

It's hard to believe that I leave in only a month. The feeling I have in my stomach is the same one that I had when I went bungee jumping years ago. I knew I would be fine, land safely, and walk away empowered and thrilled, but stepping off the ledge was still scary as hell. The good ol' "What was I thinking?!" moment. Well, I think I might be there. Vietnam for a year? Really?

The truth is that despite my overwhelming excitement, I'm also a little nervous and scared. That's what I wanted out of all of this, though. To be a little nervous and scared. I can't remember the last time I was legitimately nervous or scared about doing anything. Which is why I wanted a challenge. To step out of my comfort zone. To go on a journey.... I could have found a way to go back to Europe, but that would have been too easy. I wouldn't have missed a beat. I need to get away from my life and everything that I love and live for a while. Settle myself into a new life, a new place, and experience myself there...

So, to answer my own questions: Yes. Vietnam for a year. Really.

These feelings of mine bring to mind a recently discovered (thanks, Sam) favorite movie of mine, KIKI'S DELIVERY SERVICE. An animated movie by legendary Japanese film maker Hayao Miyazaki, it tells the story of a young female witch who, as tradition has it, must leave her home for a year, find new city to settle in, and discover her "gift". In other words, the story of my present situation. (Except, of course, I'm not a witch. Bummer.) I can't remember if I watched this movie before or after I found out that I received the Fulbright, but it has become the L'AUBERGE ESPAGNOLE of my trip to Vietnam.* Apart from my own identification with KIKI'S, I love the film for so many reasons. The incredibly beautiful (fictional) city that Kiki settles in is a synthesis of Stockholm, Adelaide, the Swedish island of Gotland, Paris, Ireland, and Tokyo. The "black cat" (every witch has to have one!) in the movie is comic, and Kiki's changing relationship to the cat parallels her own growing up. The movie also touches on so many issues of adolescence (that part doesn't relate to me). And, as with many of Miyazaki's films, the protagonist is an empowered, independent female heroine who eventually saves the day (and sometimes even the guy!). Hint hint, Disney.

Enough emotional rambling, though. I just finished re-reading the handbook that Fulbright sent me, informing me of my rights and responsibilities, travel and medical considerations, tips for packing and living abroad, etc. I used pink Post-It page markers to flag things I need to do (I don't like pink), and purple markers to note any interesting, funny or particularly useful information (I suddenly love purple). I came out with a lot more pink than purple. Get tax forms, absentee ballot forms, international health forms. Register myself with the Embassy in Vietnam and my computer with National Registry for Stolen Computers (in case it gets stolen). Etcetera, etcetera and so on and so forth. A lot to do, yes, but the handbook wasn't completely dry. Here are a few of my favorite highlights from the "purples":

• If attacked, escape.
• Learn how to improvise. You can use a needle and thread to make a webbing to hold your valuables behind a curtain in a hotel room. If you balance an ashtray on a windowsill, its fall will alert you to intruders.
  
• Door clubs can be useful for both the home and on the road when staying in hotels.
• The sun is very hot and can burn you.
  
• Iron all clothes that have been hung outside. This kills the larvae of flies before they can burrow into your skin. (That's just gross.)
  
• Ants do not like Ajax. **
  
• A mixture of mashed potatoes and boric acid is lethal to cockroaches but this is a dangerous poison...

I don't know what a door club is, and I hadn't realized they got Macgyver to co-write the handbook. Sewing a pocket in hotel curtains? Come on.

I did learn, though, that mothballs have many uses (keeping my closet from getting mildewy, keeping moths out of my clothes, keeping cockroaches away--who knew they hate the odor of mothballs?). I guess I need to get some mothballs, then. The handbook says to put them in drawers, cabinets, closets and bookshelves. That's a lot of mothballs.

And, thanks to the handbook, I have a newfound fear of cockroaches, who apparently love to live under bathrooms and will eat my clothing, books, furniture, and food. And they can fly. VOMIT.

In better news, it's looking pretty certain that I'll have wireless internet in my building at Nha Trang University. Someone else from the University emailed me, and I asked them about the internet situation (since the Vice Dean didn't really know). I was subsequently assured that there's Wifi in the building. This means I can Skype whenever I want, and Sam and I won't have to break up after all. :)

And let's not forget another important benefit of Wifi: I will be uninterrupted in my Youtube stalking of Sam's travels. Here are some clips from his show last night at the Paradiso in Amsterdam. It's so nice that whenever I miss him, I can just go to Youtube.....






I'm also excited that my super awesome little sister is coming home tomorrow! She's been gone for a week and I'm so happy that she'll be back tomorrow. This is what we did last time we were together:

Gotta love Macbooks....

Maybe I can get her to help me organize my clothes, instructional materials, office supplies insect repellent, and, of course, moth balls. Come to think of it, I don't even know where to buy moth balls. Or boric acid.

*L'AUBERGE ESPAGNOLE is a French film about a young man who studies abroad in Spain. I watched it while I was in Spain, and latched onto it as the loosely-based film adaption of my own time abroad. Although it's a dramatic comedy, I started crying about 5 minutes in and kept blubbering the whole way through. I haven't been able to watch it since I've been back...I miss Spain so much.

**While I was studying abroad I had several interesting encounters with ants. In Italy (fire ants in our bed in Cinque Terre when I was there with Sam), in France, in several cities in Spain. I also had an especially gross incident (involving lots of dead ants in a drink I ordered) right after I got back to the States. None of the incidents were my fault--it seemed like ants were just coming to me--and eventually I wondered if it was a sign of some sort....but I never figured it out what the sign meant. :)

Well, I'm really going to Vietnam.

It's all starting to seem real, because I BOOKED MY FLIGHT TODAY! After spending hours on the phone yesterday with travel agents, airline agents, automated ticketing systems (I was yelling "AGENT!" at the recording like it would change anything), I finally found a reasonably priced American Airlines ticket to Hanoi. Fulbright covers my airfare, yes, but there are several stipulations. I have to comply with the Fly America Act, which means that I can only fly on U.S.-flag carriers and that all segments of my flight must either be on an American flight, or a flight with a company that has a code-sharing agreement with an American airline. In English, that means that all parts of my flight have to have American flight numbers. It also means that I can only fly on a few airlines (Delta, United, American), and my connecting flights can be on even fewer airlines (Japan or Korean Air). You'd be surprised how much this limits flight options. And how much it spikes the price.

Furthermore, Fulbright is giving me $3500 to cover all of the following: airfare, shipping, medical expenses (for vaccines, etc), and "settling in". I'm still unsure how they think that $3500 will cover all of that, but I'm stretching that money like a pro. I can only book my flight to Vietnam right now (my return date is too far away to book my flight home), but I think my total airfare will be around $2400. It took me so long to find a way to get my airfare under $3600!

So, now it's official. I'm leaving for Hanoi at 6am on July 31st, and arriving in Hanoi at 9:50 am the following day.

I'm especially glad that I'll have some money left after airfare, because when I returned from spending three weeks in Nashville, I had a few hundred dollars in doctor bills waiting for me. All the charges were from the blood tests, etc from my Fulbright physical. Confused about why my insurance hadn't paid for any of it, I called Humana. This is conversation I had with the woman who took my call:

Me: I dont understand why these things weren't covered by my insurance.
Woman: The diagnostic code isn't covered by your plan.
M:The diagnostic code?
W: The diagnostic code isn't covered by your plan.
M: Ok, but what's a diagnostic code?
W: I'm not at liberty to discuss a diagnosis with a member.
M: It was just a physical. There wasn't a diagnosis.
W: I'm not at liberty to discuss a diagnosis with a member.
M: That's fine, I just don't understand what diagnosis code is.
W: I'm not at liberty to discuss a diagnosis with a member.
M: But I'm the member! It's MY diagnosis!
W: I'm not at liberty...

Maybe I was talking to an automated system and didn't realize it? It felt like something out of a bad skit.... Eventually she rudely dismissed me by telling me to call my doctor's office. The woman there was much nicer and patiently explained to me that since the tests weren't "medically necessary", my insurance wouldn't cover it. You know what I say to that? Damn this system! I think it's pretty medically necessary to make sure I'm healthy before I go to a country with limited health care! It's potentially saving my insurance company a lot of money in the long run, too. You know what else I say about this? My catch-all "expletive" for bad situations: VOMIT.

Oh well. It's not the biggest deal in the world. And it's completely overshadowed by the fact that I'm leaving in 34 DAYS!

Unfortunately that's not quite soon enough to catch the Miss Universe 2008 pageant that will be in held in Nha Trang on July 14th. Shucks.

Until I leave, I'll be spending some time in Lawrencbeurg and make one more trip to Nashville (with my little sister!) after Sam gets back from Europe later next month. Lawrenceburg is pretty boring and a little lonely, but I'm trying to keep myself occupied with the stack of books I want to read before I leave for Vietnam.

I'm also stalking Sam's travels through Europe, thanks to Youtube....


(in Newcastle. He's the drummer.)


(and in London.)

...and we're re-adjusting ourselves to Skype communication. It's wonderful, and a relationship-saver, but it can be frustrating when the internet connection is weak and the video is glitchy. I've made a great discovery, though: Skype Voicemail! It's super cheap (2 dollars a month), and it allows us to leave voicemails for each other even if the other person isn't online. It's like having regular phone! We didn't use the voicemail while I was in Spain but it's making the separation easier while he's in Europe. It's exciting for me that he's touring overseas again, but this is the first time he's been out of the country while I've been stuck stateside. Right now I'm pretty jealous of his situation--on a rock and roll tour through Europe--but soon enough I'll be off on my own adventure.

More about Nha Trang University

With every email I receive from Hong, the Vice Dean of the university, I feel more excited and calm. I'm a recovering Type A personality, and although I'm much better about "going with the flow" than I used to be, not knowing about my living situation was stressing me out a bit.

Luckily, I have enough information now to prevent any residual "Type A Anxiety" and allow myself to get excited. The guest/post-grad building where I'll be living is a five minute walk from campus, and I'll have access to the "canteen" (dining hall). I'm not sure if I'll love the food or if I'll have to pay for it, but we'll see. Additionally, I'll have a private room and private bath, a fridge, and even a mosquito net around my bed! (I love the idea of sleeping with a mosquito net around me....) Apparently there's "small and busy" kitchen in the building, as well. My biggest concern is having internet, since I'll be using Skype (a free, online video phone) to talk with Sam, friends, and family. Given the time change, and privacy issues, having internet in my room is the only feasible way to use Skype as a reliable tool for talking to people back home. The Vice Dean said she did not know for sure about internet in the guest building where I'll be living, but she heard that they were installing it now. I'm a relieved by that answer, since it's not a definite "no". But at the same time, I've already been warned about how slow things move in Vietnam and I just hope the 'net is up and running when I finally settle in in a couple of months. Everything has been working out so far, so I'm focusing positive energy on my internet issue in an effort to get the problem resolved.

(I would cross my fingers about the internet issue, but in Vietnam, crossing your fingers is thought to represent the vagina and is thus considered very rude. )

A little about the university: It was founded in 1959 as the Fisheries Faculty of Hanoi University. The school went through a series of name changes, and eventually separated from Hanoi University in 1977, but remained primarily a fishery school. Not until 2006 did it officially become Nha Trang University. Although the school seems young, it in fact has a strong foundation from its 50 years of educational foundation as a faculty and as an independent university. Currently the school offers 23 specialties, but it still specializes in fisheries and aquaculture. And, as I suspected, the school does overlook the ocean:


I've asked so many questions of the Vice Dean, she probably doesn't want to hear from me again until I arrive. She has been so helpful, though--writing with me in English, answering all my questions. She has helped me feel much more comfortable about getting a plane and moving to Vietnam for the better part of year.

It looks like I won't be able to put anyone up, but I'm still willing to be a gracious tour guide for any visitors!

Learn Vietnamese.

Since Rosetta Stone programs cost a few hundred bucks a pop, I've decided to learn Vietnamese on the cheap. Here's the best I've found on youtube as of yet. This guy has many videos up. Apparently he was a translator during the war...



I also bought a Vietnamese dictionary and phrase book today.

Here's what I know so far: This language is going to be very hard to learn.

Thank heavens for air conditioning.

(salt of Nha Trang)

More news trickles in almost every day now. I've been in contact with two people from Nha Trang University, the Vice Dean and a man from the Office of International Relations. The Vice Dean is also in charge of foreign languages, and she is so helpful and welcoming. I learned from her that the university has 20 English profs, most of whom are "young but hard working". Also, there are about 170 English majors at the school, and many of them come from the countryside. It seems to be a pretty large university.

At this point, I think it's set in stone that I'll be working with the English department and not the Marxism and Leninism faculty (oh well). Apparently I'll be doing a lot of team teaching, giving oral examinations, helping with class discussions and organising English Club activities. Honestly, it all sounds fun. Technically it's "work" but I know I'll enjoy most (if not all) of it. I won't be stuck at a desk--one of my worst nightmares! I'll be up and active and interacting with people and planning things. A perfect job for me. Everything is working out so well!

The Vice Dean did advise me to keep in mind that Viet Nam is a developing country and that there are many problems and challenges that they are trying to solve. My coming there, she said, will help them with those things. I'm glad that she's positive about my coming and that she feels like I can help, but I definitely don't have the mentality that I'm going there to "show them how to teach" or bestow on them the "gift" of English. I'm just glad to be going and having this experience.

(the only dorm I could find a photo of. Not sure if it's where I'll be living, though.)

I also found out that I'll be living in the postgrad/teachers/foreign student building/dorm. Bad news is that it's a "dorm", although I don't really know how dorm-like it will be. The good news is that my room will have AC!!!! This is a huge relief. Call me a spoiled American, but I LOVE air conditioning. My building also has a shared kitchen (not sure how many people share it). I'm assuming I have my own room but will share a bathroom. I need to get a little more info on those things. I had hoped that I'd be living in a house or apartment, but I think this arrangement will be wonderful. I'll have people around, I'll have a social setting to meet friends and I'll have some peer support. A safety net of sorts, and a way to prevent me from just going home at night to my apartment and not spending time with people. I can be such a homebody.

I've also been scouring my guidebooks for information on Nha Trang. I am SO DAMN EXCITED!!! This city is unbelievable. I didn't think it could get any better, with the white sand and blue water, but I was wrong. It seems that there's a substantial community of French ex-pats there (yay!). The city also boasts the biggest selection of international cuisine outside of Hanoi and HCMC, and even has the only Turkish restaurant in the country. As a vegetarian, I was worried about the food issue. But I think I'm going to be juuuust fine. There are several restaurants that serve or specialize in vegetarian dishes and meatless takes on Vietnamese cuisine. Plus, there are several French restaurants (including one owned by a French-Canadian), an Indian restaurant, a few Italian eateries, and even a Tex-Mex place! Of course I'm going to try to stick to Vietnamese food as much as possible, but I'm glad to know that I'll have some options when I'm dying for comfort food like pizza, pasta, almond croissants, and hummus.

To top it off, everything seems super cheap. Of course, this partially because Vietnam is one of the few places left where the dollar is actually worth anything. Food seems cheap, with meals ranging from 1-5 dollars. Even hotels are cheap (hint hint!).

I've been so distracted reading about Nha Trang, and reading the long guidebook I just received from Fulbright, that my Vietnam film series hasn't progressed much. (By the way, the guidebook informed me that foreigners in VN are prone to getting worms. EESH.) I did find time, though, to watch THE FOG OF WAR, a 2004 Errol Morris doc about Robert McNamara. It's touching to see McNamara cry at several points, especially given the subject matter at hand (see the clip below). An absolutely fascinating film. Morris shows why he deserves his title of "king of the documentary". I had never seen one of his docs before, but now I understand why he is considered by many to be the greatest living documentarian. The music in the film is also outstanding. Philip Glass, a contemporary composer that Sam and I love, did the score.



Tonight I'm watching THE SCENT OF GREEN PAPAYA. a Vietnamese-language film that was made in France. The director has two other movies, CYCLO and VERTICAL RAY OF THE SUN, which will constitute the next installments in my film series.

I'm soaking up my last few days with Sam. He leaves on Saturday for almost a month of touring in Europe. Then he's home for a week, and then off to Japan. Well, hopefully. Now it seems that he might have to go to L.A. for work and/or go to Japan early during that week off, cutting into the few days we'll be able to see each other in July before I leave. Sigh. This is the price of both of us leading really exciting lives.

Last rock show, first music video, and news about where I'll be living in Vietnam

Somehow, all of this is working out. I love the serendipity of the universe. Having originally applied for a position in Korea, I could not be happier that I'm now going to Vietnam instead. And to top it off, I just found out that I will be living and working in a beautiful resort town on the southern coast, a city called Nha Trang. Woo hooo! This is exciting for a couple of reasons, at least. First, I didn't think I would know where I'd be living until I got to Hanoi for orientation. Not knowing where I'd be living was going to make packing a disaster, and I'm glad to be avoiding that. Second, this city looks incredible. I wanted to be in the south, and on the coast...and that's exactly where I'll be. Maybe I manifested it? This wouldn't be the first time...


Everything I'm reading about the city makes me more excited. Miles of beaches with year-round warm water, friendly people, small town atmosphere, little islands to explore off the coast, and a tropical climate (I'm doing better with the hot weather!). The city is popular with international and domestic tourists. The water and beaches look gorgeous...


The city also boasts impressive historical and cultural sites, including the Po Nagar Cham towers. Built sometime before 781 AD, the towers are dedicated to the goddess of the country (Yan Po Nagar):

(Po Nagar)

(detail of the goddess)

There's also the Long Son Pagoda, a Buddhist temple:

I'm also excited about the Thap Ba hot spring:

(private little mud baths!)

I'll be working at Nha Trang University, which apparently overlooks the ocean . You can visit the website (which has English translation) here. The university has an entire school of Marxism and Leninism, and I'm brainstorming ways to convince them to let me work in that faculty. I've found a picture of what I think are the dorms (there's a chance I might be living in them), and they seem to all have balconies! I have to contact some folks at the university to find out more about my situation.

The news about Nha Trang was especially exciting to receive today, when I was feeling a bit down about Sam leaving on Sunday for a month in Europe, and about not seeing Sam play again for the next year. I'm definitely moving into the "lasts" of certain things before leaving. On Saturday I saw the last show I'll see for a long while, but it least it was a good one--Bonnaroo! I guess if there has to be a "last show" before Vietnam, Bonnaroo is as good as it gets. The boys played a great show, rocking out "as if none of us would ever die". Here's a clip of the boys playing "Free Coffee", a song from the upcoming album. (Warning: Video quality stinks.)



And another clip from 'Roo. (Warning: Video quality stinks and this is full of "grown up words" since it's a cover of an old Dr. Dre song. But Sam does sing the whole second verse :)



Bonnaroo was not as crazy as I expected. I do remember, though, walking around with the sun beating down, catching a whiff of funnel cakes and thinking "Wow, this feels exactly like being at Kings Island as kid". But then I started smelling something that didn't belong in that memory: marijuana. I'm still slow to identify that smell, so it took me a minute to sort through the memory and pick out the smell that just didn't fit before realizing this wasn't exactly like Kings Island, after all. Ultimately, it was a wonderful day. I was so happy to share the experience with Sam, especially since I'm going to miss the album release, all his performances on the late night shows, the album tour. Plus, the weather was great, I got some cool free stuff (new pair of crocs, a Revolve t-shirt), and met some cool people (Iron and Wine, the couple from the movie ONCE, the drummer from metal group Mastadon). Unfortunately I did not meet the Olsen twins, who were there for the weekend. As a joke (mainly), I was determined to find them and snap a shot paparazzi style, but I never spotted Mary Kate and Ashley. I think just I barely missed them, though. According to an article in the Village Voice, they were backstage at the Cat Power show--and I was too!! Maybe they were on the side of the stage. Or maybe they were just too skinny to see. It's hard to say.

To help ease the pain of not seeing Sam play another show for the next year, I went to hang out at the studio today while they filmed a music video that will come with the album (to be released in the fall). The whole process was a lot less exciting than I'd imagined--a lot of waiting, plus a lot of stuffy smoke and dry ice--so I eventually resigned myself to hiding in the control room, checking my email, and consequently googling Nha Trang for the rest of the afternoon. I am so excited that I'm going to be living in a coastal resort town in Vietnam!

Vietnam loses a leader.

Vo Van Kiet, former VC revolutionary, respected economic and political reformer, and ex-Premier of Vietnam, died on Wednesday. He was largely responsible for the economic opening-up of the country in the late '80s and '90s, as well as for helping the country emerge from its isolationism. Read more here.

"Hell is the impossibility of reason."

The pre-departure "course" on Vietnam that I have designed for myself includes a mini movie-marathon. Last night I watched Oliver Stone's PLATOON as the second installment of my Vietnam film series (the first was documentary HEARTS AND MINDS). I have a strong aversion to violent films, especially those with a lot of guns, so I have been avoiding this movie for years. Some prodding from my NYU film-grad boyfriend, combined with spirit of "openness" that I'm trying to maintain, finally got me to sit down and watch the film that won Best Picture in the year of my birth.

I would like to preface my thoughts about the movie by explaining that I have considerable guilt regarding my time in Vietnam. Guilt towards Vietnam and the Vietnamese people for the destruction we created, guilt towards Americans who fought, died, lost loved ones in the war. Although I have felt emotions ranging from excitement to fear regarding my trip, the strongest and most enduring emotion has been this guilt. I have been afraid to tell Vietnam veterans that I'm going to Vietnam. I've felt a backlash of sadness every time I say with excitement that "I'm going to Vietnam", knowing that so many people said the same thing under less favorable circumstances. I have been unable to figure out how the Vietnamese people can be so welcoming to Americans--a phenomenon I have already experienced in corresponding with some Vietnamese folks--given the sins that we committed against them. A man who I respect very, very much told me that my going to Vietnam is a way to help expunge those sins, but I still feel guilty for them. Guilty, and extremely sad.

PLATOON, draped in the sorrowful melody of Barber's Adagio for Strings, addresses the guilt I feel towards people of my own country who were victimized by the war. Director Oliver Stone (also an NYU film grad) served in the Vietnam War from 1967-1968, and his cinematic depiction of it is mostly drawn from his own experiences in and his own footage of the actual war. Even the characters are modeled after real people he knew in the war. While the film shows in detail the brutality of Americans against the Vietnamese, it primarily focuses on the dynamics between American soldiers within a platoon. The viewer (i.e, me) becomes invested not in the conflict between the "good" Americans and the "bad" VC, but between the "good" Americans and the "bad" Americans. The war, in this sense, is within the platoon. But the war is also within each individual, who battles between maintaining himself and giving himself over to the "enemy", the darkness, within. (This is also a theme found in my favorite book, Joseph Conrad's HEART OF DARKNESS, and it's film adaptation, APOCALYPSE NOW.) Protagonist Private Chris Taylor makes this conclusion during the final shot of the movie: listen.

The experience of Americans in the war, then, was not as simple as just finding and killing the enemy. Stone's film illustrates how the classification of "enemy" became increasingly unclear, as members of a single platoon come to see each other as "enemies". (This vague definition of "enemy" among American soldiers exists in addition to the unclear status of Vietnamese civilians as potential enemies. Also in addition to the confusion of who's who during a shoot-out.) The platoon in the movie eventually crumbles into a quasi-civil war, half the men aligning themselves with brutish, scarred Sgt. Bob Barnes and the other half with the more civil, even-handed Sgt. Elias Grodin . Ultimately, Barnes kills Elias, our protagonist Taylor later kills Barnes, and all surviving men "lose their innocence" in the jungles of Vietnam and Cambodia.

(Barnes and Elias)

PLATOON also raised (in my mind, at least) some interesting questions about masculinity. Not surprisingly, and probably appropriately, the film featured few women. The only females were a handful of Vietnamese villagers-- a woman shot as an "example", her distraught 5ish-year old daughter, and two pre-teen girls being raped by a few members of the platoon. We meet all these women in the span of a few minutes, and while the whole film can be read in terms of questioning masculinity, the scenes with these women felt particularly telling to me. Barnes quickly shoots a village woman, and soon is holding her now distraught young daughter at gunpoint.
The men who have aligned with him are rooting for the extermination of the entire population of the village (think My Lai). Enter Elias. He walks up on the scene, releases the young daughter from the grip of Barnes, and knocks the hell out of Barnes with the butt of his gun yelling "We're not a damn execution squad!" (not sure if that's an exact quote, but it's reeeally close). This scene, I thought, issued an interesting comment about two alternative forms of masculinity within the terrible setting of the war--the more brutish, haphazard masculinity that kills indiscriminately versus a more humane, sensitive masculinity that seeks to minimize harm and even protect. The scene also helped to further develop the conflict of the "good" and "bad" Americans within the platoon. Ultimately, Elias has his way. No one else is killed and the villagers are evacuated while their town is torched. Meanwhile, protagonist Taylor stumbles upon the impending gang rape of the two pre-teen girls. He pulls the girls away from his platoon mates, who immediately mock him for being a "homosexual" for not participating. Taylor replies that the girls are "human beings" and criticizes the men for "just not getting it". This incident, like the previous one between Barnes and Elias, reflects what I see as Stone's creation of alternative versions of masculinity. Of course, these two incidents can be seen strictly as conflict between the "good" and "bad"--the enemies within the platoon--but I prefer to analyse these things through multiple lenses.

So, PLATOON presents us with questions of "enemy" and of masculinity. Stone also touches on the issues of class/socioeconomic status and race among the American soldiers. Taylor, a middle class white boy, drops out of college and volunteers for the army because he doesn't think it's fair that only the poor people are sent off to war while the rich can avoid the draft by going to college: listen. Although the US Army does not currently use conscription, the issues of socioeconomics and the army remain relevant and concerning.

As I said, PLATOON deals with the American side of the war and some of the reasons I feel guilty towards my own country people for the suffering inflicted by the war. While challenging to watch at times, the film successfully blurs the line between "enemy" and non-enemies, and for two hours, immerses the viewer in the chaotic, confused, hellish nightmare endured by American soldiers who were forced to choose between self-restraint and giving themselves over to the "enemy" inside. (Again, think HEART OF DARKNESS.) Upcoming flicks in the movie-marathon include BORN ON THE FOURTH OF JULY, CASUALTIES OF WAR, THE DEER HUNTER, FULL METAL JACKET, APOCALYPSE NOW (seen, since it's the film adaptation of favorite book, but re-watching), GOOD MORNING VIETNAM, LITTLE DIETER NEEDS TO FLY, and RESCUE DAWN. All of these films, in fact, deal with the American experience of the war (and, interestingly, all but FULL METAL JACKET and the last two are made by Americans). While I am eager to gain more of the perspective offered by these films, I am hoping to find more media that enlighten me to the Vietnamese experience. HEARTS AND MINDS, a documentary about the war that I watched a few days ago, is such a film, made not by an American but by Brit Sir Peter Davis. This doc was much harder for me to watch than PLATOON, due to inclusion of actual footage that shows things like a tied-up Vietnamese man being shot point-blank in the head, and then falling to the ground with blood shooting out of the bullet hole like a fountain. Perhaps such stomach-churning reality is what makes it a must-see film about the war. An interesting combination of the Vietnamese and American perspective seems to be Stone's HEAVEN AND EARTH, a film he calls the final piece of his "Vietnam Trilogy" which includes PLATOON and BORN ON THE FOURTH OF JULY.

I've also ordered two Vietnamese films, CYCLO and VERTICAL RAY OF THE SUN, neither of which have to do with the war.

I would love suggestions about other movies, books, etc. I'm also looking forward to Stone's upcoming movies. He's currently filming a movie called W (or dub-ya), about George W. Bush (who was actually a classmate of Stone's at Yale before the latter dropped out). Stone is hoping to have it out before the election this year. After W will come PINKVILLE, Stone's return to Vietnam in a film about the investigation into the My Lai Massacre.

One last thought on the war. As a student of political science and international affairs, I can learn the facts, and quote the theories that "explain" the war and the various engines that drove it (and arguably all wars). But there is another part of me that just does not understand the war, or war in general. A part that does not let me get too close to the "rational" explanations of war. I cannot get over the absurdity, the self-defeating nature, the destruction, the absolute ridiculousness and chaos. These two parts of myself feel dichotomous, and I am trying to reconcile them--if that is even possible. As Pvt. Chris Taylor says about war at the beginning of PLATOON, "Hell is the impossibility of reason. And this place feels like hell."

"We must maintain an open channel."

As I prepare for my journey as a Fulbright-er in Vietnam, my mind keeps going back to a book I read in my first year of university: THE MEANING OF IT ALL, by Nobel-prize-winning physicist Richard Feynman. Normally I wouldn't pick up a book from the science section, so many thanks to Prof. Gary Deaton, who assigned it. A transcript Feynman's 1963 lectures series about science, religion, and society, the book offers an insight that I think every 20-something (and perhaps everyone) needs: That uncertainty is valuable, necessary, and the only mechanism for moving forward. Feynman says

"Admitting that we do not know and maintaining perpetually the attitude that we do not know the direction necessarily to go permit a possibility of alteration, of thinking, of new discoveries for the problem of developing a way to do what we want ultimately, even when we do not know what we want."

I loved the book instantly upon reading it, and I have since given it to virtually everyone I know for various holidays and gift-giving occasions. This summer, it has been the first book I've (re-)read for my pre-Vietnam book list, because I needed to be reminded of the value of uncertainty--what Feynman calls "the open channel". I can hardly do justice to how he defines the open channel, but it has to do with the quotation above. With the opportunities you create by not closing yourself up with "certainties". Moving to Vietnam, leaving behind my friends, family, and the life I've known--it is full of uncertainty. And it would be quite scary without my "Feynman goggles" that allow me to see this unknown journey through the lens of "an open channel" that opens to me all possibilities....

Despite the fact that my program starts in less than two months, there still remain a surprising number of uncertainties regarding the technical and logistical details of my trip. For example, I have no idea what part of Vietnam I'll be living in. They've said I'll either be in the north or the south (but that's pretty obvious given the geography of the country) and that I'll most likely be in a city. I don't know what school I'll be working in. I don't know what my housing situation will be (maybe student housing, maybe private). I don't know if I'll be the only Fulbright-er in my town, or if we'll be paired. I don't know what kind of work attire to take, what shots I need, how I'm going to survive as a vegetarian.....

But I do know a few things. I have to be in Hanoi on August 2nd, and I will stay there for 4 weeks of orientation and training at the local university. The nine others who received the same Fulbight will join me. After orientation, I will work at a university, college, or teacher-training school, where I will be teaching English. I'll receive a modest stipend each month, which should be enough given the exchange rate of 16,141 dong per dollar. (It's OK--I giggled too. And made a lot of "dong" jokes.)

While I patiently wait for more information regarding my fate for the next year, I'm trying to navigate my way through the (very circular) process of applying for a VISA. (Can't the State Department just get it for me? They're getting 7 Fulbrights out of Gaza, so they can certainly take care of my Visa, right?).
I'm also keeping myself entertained with throwing graduation/going-away parties (one with my KY family/friends, another with my Nashville family/friends), reading multiple books at once (The Meaning of It All, To Asia with Love, Lonely Planet Vietnam, Lonely Planet Southeast Asia, America's Longest War, Eat Pray Love), watching movies (Hearts and Minds -- a must-see doc about the Vietnam War, Anthony Bourdain), playing board games, drinking honeydew bubble tea, buying an awesome North Face raincoat, and jumping on an occasional rock tour with Sam. In the summer heat, I've also been reminded that I hate hot weather. Good thing Vietnam is tropical.

I've started this little blog to document my trip, my thoughts about it, my preparations for it. This is an important journey for me, and I am happy to share it...